thought for the day:

Laying out my intimacy issues in essay form is more problematic than I thought it would be. I don't have intimacy issues. That's what I should have written. I am a human being capable of letting someone in. That's what I should have written.

Or better yet? I am a human being capable of loving another human being whole-heartedly without wanting to run away when things get too...when things falter or get weird or whatever.

Or what about, I am not a machine.

Yeah, that gets right to the heart of everything.

Ideals (or, a poem that's supposed to follow the triadic line)

O, try and tame this
Wild heart, but I
Don't mean it.

Let me be, let me
Be, but what I mean
Is catch me.

Bold, your actions are,
Steel yourself from me,
Rock solid.

Necessary you,
Quintessential I,
All we ever do is disappoint.

Survival Honeymoon

Remember in seventh grade when you made that list with your friends, the list that named all the qualities you would want in a potential husband (mind you, not boyfriend, but husband)? My list in seventh grade might have included something like tallish and rides BMX bikes and must be named Jesse Berrier. You know, the usual. I read an essay tonight by one of my favorite authors, Amanda Eyre Ward. She writes about her honeymoon in Belize and how she and her husband are both complete adventure junkies. Basically, after reading her essay, I've come to terms with what kind of qualities I'd like my husband (not boyfriend) to present. My list (as of right now, senior in college, twenty-something) is as follows:

1. Must be willing to admit that he's lost and enjoys being lost. With me.


2. Must be willing to travel to places we can't pronounce the names of and stay in hostiles. Not five-star, elaborate hotels.


3. Must be adventurous but not so extreme that we cannot stop hiking/scuba diving/hitchhiking when I say that I am hungry. Food always comes first. Especially if we are scaling Mount Vesuvius in Italy.


4. Cannot snore.


5. Must be a reader. Because I need down-time. And in my down-time, I like to read. Therefore, he should probably grab a novel and snuggle up next to me and we can pretend that reading is an enjoyable two-person activity, when really, I'm escaping and forgetting and being alone.


6. Must like all foods. Cannot be picky.


7. Must be semi-outgoing, probably more outgoing than me. Because I will not tolerate standing around, staring at each other all the time. We should probably enjoy talking to each other, to some extent.


8. Must be willing to kill spiders. Even the smallest ones. And especially daddy long legs.


9. Must have faith.


10. Must love rollercoasters. And plane rides. And it might be an added bonus if he owned a boat.

In a nutshell, I'm looking for the male version of me. Then again, this is my 20-something, college student, I'm picky and that's cool version of this list. It's bound to change. It's bound to be completely inaccurate.

Maybe I'll stick with Jesse Berrier and BMX bikes. Maybe, by this point, he'll be tallish.

Heart Happy

Instead of writing an essay that's due Monday and studying for my psych exam that's coming up, I'm going to share with you all what makes my heart happy because M shared with me and now I'm going to pass it onto my blog. Why? BECAUSE I FINISHED MY SENIOR THESIS AND...well, that's reason enough to rant about what makes me happy, don't ya think?

1. Rainy days and tin roofs. But since I can hardly ever have both, I'll stick with rain so loud that it pounds against the windows. Thunderstorms. Lightning. Reading during all of this.


2. The month of October. It's fresh, October. It's scary movies and the color orange and corn mazes and pumpkin carving and beautiful leaves that crunch under my feet.


3. Laughing so hard that I can't remember how to breathe.


4. When someone just gets it.


5. My pets. Not just any pets, but Jack. He basically makes my world when I come home.


6. The smell of clean, warm laundry.


7. The night before Christmas.


8. Being alone in a bookstore/library where I drown out time and people and simply scan row after row of bookshelves.


9. Driving the Beast. Even better? When I can drive with both windows down.


10. And last but never least, having grown-up conversations with my sister. We talked about learning Arabic together the other day. Arabic. My sister is eleven. If that doesn't make my heart happy, I don't know what does.

Billy.

Slow down, you're doing fine - you can't be everything you want to be before your time, although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight.

plans schmans

Plan 1: Apply for grad school and get accepted. Plan 2: Apply for jobs. Plan 8: Apply for Peace Corps as volunteer. Plan 83: Apply for jobs. Plan 147: Backpack through Europe. Then, you know, apply for more jobs. Or. Just stay in Europe.