from bold to brave:)

Let's see. My only resolution for 2010 was to be bold. To step outside of myself and do things I wouldn't normally do, to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Did I accomplish that goal this year?

At 12:01AM as the ball dropped in New York City, I stood amongst a swell of crazywired people who had stood for nine-twelve hours just as we did, and I kissed my best friend, whom I had liked for a measley seven years. Confetti fell on our heads, rested at our feet, people screamed, clinked shot glasses and cheered, and I began my new year off on a bold foot.

In February, I applied for a job at Cedar Point, in Sandusky, Ohio - a seven hour drive from my house in Central Pennsylvania. I got the job, and when school let out, without so much as going home to my family, I made the trip to my favorite theme park. I moved in with a perfect stranger, performed a job that I ended up despising, made some lasting connections, and quit within the first two months. That I quit, however, is not the point. The point is I made the first move - I went in the first place.

I got a tattoo.

In June, I attended a Writer's Conference in New York and shared my work with a group of people who were in the processes of becoming published. I received a critique from an established and esteemed author.

I celebrated my 21st birthday in Atlantic City, NJ with some family and friends. I gambled and drank and dipped my toes in the ocean and sunbathed on the beach. I gave up on Mr. New Years and moved on, finally.

I began to speak freely in class during the fall semester of my senior year. Sometimes, I still hold back, which, if you know anything about me, sharing my opinion in front of more than five people is difficult for me. Words come easier on paper.

I applied to grad schools that are 30-36 hour drives from my home in PA. I applied to places where I will know no one. I applied to schools in states in which I have never set foot.

I watched my roommate graduate with high honors and held back the tears. Brave face, I told myself, as if I were a six-year old getting a shot. There is not much that's bold about this situation, but I suppose it made an impact, regardless. Hello, 2011!

I invited Mr. New Years (of 2010) back to my house to celebrate the coming of 2011. Not because I'm looking for a repeat of events in NYC, but because he's my friend, and we're going to celebrate like it.


On another note, being bold is not a thing of last year, no I plan on carrying it into this year as well. But I need a new resolution, a trackable, doable one, like being bold.

In 2011, I'm going to be brave. Change is coming, and what could be more useful than a bit of bravery? What could take more courage than putting on that brave face and setting forth into new situations?

Christmas

Luke 1:26-38
In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid. Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."

"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"

The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.



If only we could be so subservient, immediately willing to undertake such heavy burdens for the sake of something so amazing. The punishment for Mary was to be stoned for becoming pregnant before marriage and for disgracing herself and Joseph. And look what came of a simple man eventually believing his wife when she tells him of how an angel came to her in the night.

at our disposal

I woke up this morning with that sense of dread and panic. It catches me every once in a while, a peek-a-boo, a wake up call. This morning's was lovely, had me thinking along the lines of:

{whatamidoingwithmylife...why would i want to move all the way out west where i know no one...what if Ruth never fills out my forms and i miss out on grad school next fall because i'm lacking one recommendation...how do i get myself out of jury duty in january...i need a real job...christmas is coming up and my bank account looks as bleak as it did when i first opened an account...where did all my money go....panicdreadpanicdread...}

And then.

I prayed. And everything lifted off my shoulders. These mountains are made of sand.

on a side note,

1. Astronomy final tomorrow at 8AM and then I'm officially done with this semester. It might be more exciting, however, to note that after I work my shift at Dobbins tonight, I will no longer be an employee there! Thank goodness.
2. Michelle and I just had a heated debate over whether all residents of Wyoming listen to country/western music. She says they are all rednecks. I say they are all cowboys. There is an important difference.
3. Taco night tomorrow in the apartment commons! My hungry-self will be in attendance.
4. Decided that if I'm going to live in a state that's mostly plains, I may have to check my gas gauge more often than I do now. And my cell phone plan, come to think of it.
5. Christmas is almost here! Praise God.

A plea.

I've gone all through college without knowing what it means to scrounge and scrape for food. I've been lucky.

Currently, my roommate and I are planning days according to what's left on our pantry, in our fridge. She's broke and I spent all my money on grad school and Christmas gifts. And now our shelves are bare.

One packet of poprocks.
Three packets of oatmeal.
Two granola bars.
Maple syrup.
One poptart.
One scoop of blueberry pancake mix.
One can of peas, one of corn.
One packet of ritz crackers.
A jar of peanut butter.

This is my shelf inventory. It's so slim and sad. Ma, if you're reading this, you can donate to the Aeriale Needs Food Fund. You know where to send the check ;) Oh. And Michelle needs nourishment, too. Her color isn't so good and her hair is falling out. It's grossing me out.

Conversation:

Me (walking in from the tundra, taking the wet dog off my my head, untying my boots): I just tutored this guy who I can never talk to. He always requests me. But I can never get my point across. And I talk in circles. And I don't think he knows what I'm talking about, ever.

Michelle (on the couch, amused): Yeah?

Me: And! I can talk to other people just fine. I don't stutter or mumble and I get my point across! I so got my point across to that other guy last night.

Michelle: You have a crush, don't you?

Me: He's a freshman! No!

Michelle (sits there, one eyebrow raised, says nothing)

Me: Ughhhhhhhhhh.

Stasis, I like.

I don't want things to change just yet.